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Contents
Acknowledgements
Part One
Do Not Disturb (I’ve Got That Covered)
Pessimism: Overrated?
Portal to Hell: The RadioShack Experience
A Very Unhealthy Club
We’re Saved! The Trouble Ticket Is In!
Home Depots?
One at a Time
Dear Person Who I Am Writing:
Part Two
Or We Could See a Movie?
Ungainly!: My Triumphs in the Musical Theater
Television and How It’s Shaped Us . . . Into Balls of Dough
Young Master Chillingshead
Bravo!
Behind Music
Part Three
Virtual Me
When a Chair Is a Card
Password: Yawn
A Serious Speech to Businesspeople
Sir, You Are Wearing a Milk Carton
Wacky Morning Misrepresentation
Think You’re Wrong? Think Again!
Not Terribly Weird
Part Four
Animals: Worth Saving?
Country Bob’s Extra-Dark Cabin
Tennis Tips
They Really, Really Blow
Part Five
Tips on Getting Stung By Wasps
Ineffectual Woo
Little Did We Know
L.A. Diary
Odd Job
How Nice to See You, Piece of Asparagus
Did He Say “Meep”?
Part Six
Moist As I Wanna Be
Bad Hair Person
Rethinking the Backside
The Sorry State of Men’s Fashion
My Shorts Are Silent No More
Those Things Are, I’m Afraid, My Feet
Part Seven
A Panegyric to Meat
Van Gouda: When Did Cheese Become Artisanal?
Tea, You Should Be Leaving Now
Lunch on the Serengeti
Part Eight
Who Do I Think I Am?
Couch Mover: Retired
Hooray, I’m Danish
Friend Good
Yes, I Have Never Been Mellow
Professor Good-Natured
Please Tell Me, Do I Like That?
A Midwest Apologia, If That’s Okay?
Part Nine
Painful Blessings
Grumpy Floppy and The Flo-Flo
The Kids Today, They Can’t Get Enough of Me
Uncle Solomon
Do As I Say . . .
Oh, Look At Me, I Have Friends!
Story Time
Part Ten
Words on Jerky
Jelly Roll
The Problem with Hats
About the Author
Also by Michael J. Nelson
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
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