I Heart My Little A-Holes电子书

Dedication

Contents

Introduction

Bundle of Joy My Ass, More Like Bundle of Hell

A lot of shit you don’t need when you’re having a baby

Oh Dear Lord, WTF is that?

Just connect A to B and N to J and L to R and V to F and K to G and J to Q and Q to B, and that’s how you put a breast pump together

Chugga chugga typhoid

The serious chapter, like seriously

Where the hell did the name Baby Sideburns come from?

Yo baby book, you can take your milestones and shove them up your you-know-what

I Heart My Little A-Holes

It’s all fun and games until someone shits a brick in the middle of the restaurant

Yes, I typed out all those F’ing numbers

The big bang theory

Going from one kid to two is, uhhh, how do I say this, let me see, hell

Did Picasso’s mom have to deal with shit like this?

1-800-KILL-ME-NOW

Why traveling with kids sucks ass and totally isn’t worth it but I still insist on doing it

Don’t Read This Section While You’re Eating Chocolate

This one doesn’t have any pictures. You’re welcome.

Poop mobile

Hells yeah I’m putting on my oxygen mask before my kid’s

Itty-bitty potty party

Another Holiday? Are You F’ing Kidding Me?

New Year’s resolutions I plan on breaking the shit out of

Ten things that suck about Valentine’s Day (easiest list I’ve ever come up with)

Daylight savings can kiss my ass

Ten things I really F’ing want for Mother’s Day

’Twas the night before Mother’s Day

Ten things Dad really F’ing wants for Father’s Day

A bunch of shit I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving

What NOT to F’ing buy my kids this holiday

The Truth, the Whole Truth, and None of the Bullshit You See on Pinterest

How to hold a Momlympics

Why I’m a worse mom than you

A letter to my daughter in the future, but none of that sappy crap you see on Huff Post

A letter to my son in the future, you know, if he hasn’t disowned me for this book

I don’t read no stinkin’ parenting magazines

Mom’s Serenity Prayer

The new rules of mommyhood

A Really Short Chapter About Girl Scout Cookies Because They Are So F’ing Awesome They Deserve Their Own Chapter

Disney and Caillou and Other Annoying Crap I Want to Crap On

If Caillou were a real person I’d gladly go to jail for killing him

Teeny tiny penis doll

Calling Dr. Snow White, DDS

Someday my gay prince will come

Annnnnd This Is What My Life Has Turned Into. Awesome.

You know you’re a mom if . . .

Babies R’n’t Us

Sometimes I think living in hell would be better than the suburbs

I now pronounce you husband and wife and wife and wife

For the love of God, lady, it’s a locker room, not a nudist colony

Minivans are the AWESOMEST! (No, that whole title is not a typo)

Till death do us fart

Yo Rug Rats, You Owe Me $26,000 for Plastic Surgery

Allllllll the ways my body is different (i.e., sucks balls) after carrying two poop machines

Crotch and other words that make me uncomfortable

40 is the new “I want to kill myself”

An open letter to my vajayjay

Excerpt from I Want My Epidural Back

The end

Acknowledgments

I Heart My Little A-Holes Verrrrry Serious Book Club Questions

About the Author

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher