99 Reasons Why电子书

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Table of Contents

Note to the Reader

ONE

1: the reason why me mam phones me Uncle Phil

2: the reason why I ain’t allowed to use me Uncle Phil’s video camera

3: the reason why everything bad that ever happens is always me Uncle Phil’s fault

4: the reason why I stuck me fingers down me throat

5: the reason why Lisa-Marie’s me only proper mate

6: the reason why I’m finding it hard to catch meself that bulimia

7: the reason why Lisa-Marie don’t want me to catch her bulimia

8: the reason why I know me mam’s right to be stealing me that little girl

9: the reason why I really hate that bald bloke

10: the reason why I flashed me boobs out me bedroom window on a Tuesday morning

TWO

11: the reason why I think Fat Ginger Katherine should be sacked

THREE

12: the reason why me mam’s a paedophile

13: the reason why Lisa-Marie’s only gone and given the internet all her privates

14: the reason why me dad’s a tight bastard

15: the reason why I hate me dad and why I think he’s not right in the head

16: the reason why me Uncle Phil promises to make it all better

17: the reason why me Uncle Phil’s money always leads to trouble

18: the reason why I hate the snow

19: the reason why I know that the bald bloke with the spiderweb tattoo loves me loads

20: the reason why I don’t get how fat people get so many shags

21: the reason why I’m square

22: the reason why I ain’t no Willy Wonka

FOUR

23: the reason why Lisa-Marie’s a Big Beautiful Woman

24: the reason why really I wishes I was Fat Ginger Katherine, but don’t be telling me mam

25: the reason why me mam reckons I’m a heartless bitch

26: the reason why I couldn’t eat me hot cross bun

27: the reason why me mam had high hopes for me

28: the reason why me mam’s high hopes fucked right off

29: the reason why I’ve never seen none of that film called Signs

30: the reason why I know that me mam’s not really me mam

31: the reason why the truth had to come out ’bout Princess Diana being me real mam

32: the reason why Tom Moor ain’t really a good lad

33: the reason why I had no choice but to swallow

FIVE

34: the reason why I know for sure me mam’s heartless

35: the reason why I allowed meself one last proper cry

36: the reason why I never floated off into the sky holding the ribbon of a “congratulations” balloon

37: the reason why I needed to stick to me mam’s rules

38: the reason why it kept getting worse before it got any better

39: the reason why I decided to be a cross between Princess Diana and Mother Teresa

40: the reason why I reckon I’d make a good banker

41: the reason why I hardly ever blink

42: the reason why I like watching me dad stuff his gob

43: the reason why me hand smells of Andy Douglas’ cock and vinegar

44: the reason why I wet me knickers even though I’m 22 years old

SIX

45: the reason why I’m a coward

46: the reason why I know it was OK to touch Andy Douglas’ cock

47: the reason why Lisa-Marie’s been shagging a black man

48: the reason why I reckon Andy Douglas’d make a good spy

49: the reason why sometimes I’m stupid and don’t really think things through

50: the reason why the little girl in the pink coat’s learning bad stuff from Fat Ginger Katherine and Finger of Fudge Fiona

51: the reason why Lisa-Marie’s granddad’s not talking to her

52: the reason why I might have been outbid on a Princess Diana pin badge

53: the reason why I’m to blame for Michael Ball not shagging me mam

54: the reason why me mam’s got herself a lift down to London

55: the reason why I was a bit sick in me mouth at 1.11 a.m.

SEVEN

56: the reason why Posh from the Spice Girls made me throw up on me shoes

57: the reason why I don’t have no posh name

58: the reason why I reckon me mam’s starting to be a bit obsessed with the postman

59: the reason why me mam needs to stop being a filthy whore

60: the reason why Lisa-Marie’s got no choice

61: the reason why me and me mam have 1980s-style Princess Diana haircuts

62: the reason why I need to start taking better care of how I look and smell and stuff

63: the reason why I feel like me head’s going to explode

64: the reason why me mam likes to buy things we don’t need

65: the reason why Andy Douglas said that I had a nice arse

66: the reason why I decide that denying’s me best option

EIGHT

67: the reason why I seem to owe loads of money even though I haven’t been spending anything

68: the reason why I’m even more confused ’bout Merrycastle

69: the reason why Lisa-Marie phones me in the middle of me working day

70: the reason why me dad shouldn’t have answered the phone

71: the reason why me dad’s not got a job no more

72: the reason why a crisis never lasts long in our house

73: the reason why I should never have said a crisis doesn’t last long in our house

74: the reason why it’d be best if I was brave enough to make meself disappear

75: the reason why I want whatever’s going to happen to be happening soon

76: the reason why I know for sure that me mam wants me dead

77: the reason why I’m glad that I’m too posh to play bingo

NINE

78: the reason why Lisa-Marie’s going to live happily ever after and I’m probably not going to live happily ever after

79: the reason why me mam got her arse wet sitting on our front wall

80: the reason why I’m still watching The Kevin Keegan Day Nursery

81: the reason why I think me mam’s all clever and calm in a crisis

82: the reason why I had to change into me pyjamas even though I hadn’t had no tea

83: the reason why the police think I’m rubbish at me job

84: the reason why I might never get to tell Andy Douglas how much I love him

85: the reason why I’m like an extra in The Bill

86: the reason why me mam’s a lying bitch

87: the reason why listening at doors never leads to no good

88: the reason why I don’t know what’s real and what’s not no more

TEN

89: the reason why there was always only one way it could all end

90: the reason why me life’s a fairy tale and we all lived happily ever after

91: the reason why me life’s like a crappy version of Star Wars

92: the reason why the ending’s a little bit Scooby-Doo

93: the reason why me life’s gone all Agatha Christie

94: the reason why the ending’s a bit like The Great Escape, but without no Germans

95: the reason why me mam was right all along

96: the reason why the ending’s all Quentin Tarantino

97: the reason why it ends like a working-class remake of Brief Encounter but without the train station

ELEVEN

Thanking

About the Author

Also by Caroline Smailes

Copyright

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