How Not to Act Old: 185 Ways to Pass for Cool, Sound, Wicked, or at Least Not To电子书

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Contents

Introduction

#1: Stop Using E-mail

How Not to E-mail Old: 10 Musts to Avoid

#2: Don’t Say ‘Awesome’, ‘Dude’, or ‘Phat’

Guide to 11 Young–Old Slang Expressions

#3: Unstrap that Rolex

#4: Don’t Fear the Waxer

40-year-old Bikini-Waxing Virgin? 9 Things to Expect

#5: Avoid Direct Confrontation

#6: Don’t Leave a Message

#7: Don’t Dance to ‘Sexual Healing’

How to Grind, in 6 Easy Steps

8 Best Old-people Songs to Dance to … and 7 Young Ones that May Actually Get You Going

#8–19: How Not to Work Old

#20: Beware the Accidental Hook-up

What Exactly Is a Hook-up? A Teenager Tells All … Well, Some

#21: Don’t Smoke Pot

#22: Don’t Fear the F-word

#23–29: How Not to Weekend Old

#30: Don’t Get Too Excited about Mondays

#31: Avoid Avoiding Babies

I Would Love to Hold the Baby, but …

#32: Don’t Be Proud of Being Befuddled by Technology

Web Directory 102: Sites You Should Know

#33: Don’t Advise People to Carry an Umbrella

16 Things You Never Need to Say to Another Adult

#34: Don’t Admit You’re Crazy about Springsteen

#35: Don’t Be the Monica

#36–44: How Not to Be a Cougar

#45: Stop Talking about Menopause

#46: No Lame Parenting Advice

19 Things Never to Say to a Young Parent

#47: Don’t Fear the Tat

8 Tattoos for Old People

#48: Don’t Make Love

#49: Do Not Block the Aisle

#50: Throw off the Middle-aged Burka

12 Things You Can’t Even Think about Wearing (for Women)

#51: No Poodles

Pet Making You Look Old? 5 Swaps to Consider Now

#52: Don’t Yell into Your Mobile Phone

8 Ways Not to Phone Old

#53: Don’t Talk about Your (Grown-up) Children

5 Things to Talk about Instead of Your Kids

#54: Don’t Fear Rap

Easy Listenin’ Rap: 9 Songs Even You Might Like

#55: Don’t Drink Cosmopolitans

3 Young Cocktail Recipes

#56: Learn to Type with Your Thumbs

#57: Cancel the Trip to Provence

#58: Edit the Anecdotes

#59: Don’t Fear the Thong

#60: Don’t Lust after Paul McCartney

8 Hot vs. Crusty Comparisons

#61: No Chronic Health Discussions

#62: Screw the Housework

MadLibs: A Young Person’s Guide to Housekeeping

#63: Break that Saturday Night Sex Routine

#64: Stop Surfing the Net

25 Web Expressions You Should Know Now

#65: Have No Problem

#66: Sponge off Your Parents

#67–73: How Not to Party Old

#74: Don’t Be Shocked by a Touch of Girl-on-girl

10 Other Things Not to Be Shocked By

#75: No to the Negativity

Anti-negativity Spin Chart: 6 Upbeat Substitutes

#76: Enough with the Man-bashing

5 Deathless Man-bashing Jokes

#77: Don’t Fear the Silence

#78: Don’t Live Somewhere Old

#79: Don’t Say the Doctor, the Copper, or the Teacher ‘Looks Twelve’

#80: Cancel the Dinner Party

#81–87: How Not to Facebook Old

#88: Crumble the Dried Flowers

#89: Forget the Sixties Nostalgia

#90: Don’t Wake Up Before Dawn

#91: Enough with the Jane Austen Worship

15 Cool Dead Famous People

8 Uncool Dead Famous People

#92: Don’t Fear the Remote

#93: No History

#94: Don’t Plan

#95: Don’t Be Named Bob or Pat

Change Your Name/Change Your Age: 10 Updates for Your Old Fart Name

#96: Torch Your Books

7 Ways to Read Younger

#97: Get off the Eternal Diet

Young Person’s Diet and Exercise Plan: 13 Simple Steps to Never Gaining a Pound

#98: Say Yay!

#99–124: How Not to Holiday Old

#125: Don’t Live in a Big House and Complain about Money

6 Ways to Renovate Your Money Complaints

#126: C’mon, Tell Us All about Your Sex Life

#127: Scratch that Golf Game

#128: Never Admit You Have No Freaking Clue Who Leighton, Dappy, Rihanna, Little Boots, Tinchy, or Pixie Are

#129: Turn Your Stereo Up and Your TV Down

#130: Unless You’re in Nagasaki, Don’t Give (or Ask for) Directions

#131: No Hovering

#132: Don’t Cook the Roast

12 Steps to Making Dinner Young

#133: Don’t Lust after the Lifeguard

10 Signs You Might Be a Lech

#134: Dehyphenate Your Name

#135: Don’t Fear the Teenager

#136: Stop Bossing Everybody Around

#137: Don’t Send Greetings Cards

#138: No Matching Anything

#139–143: U Can’t Has Convertible

#144: Don’t Go Thinking that Gut Is Normal

#145: Enough with the Midsummer Murders, Already!

12 Other Cultural References Sure to Date You

#146: Don’t Count Out Exact Change

9 Ways to Annoy Old

#147–160: How Not to Act Old at a Wedding

#161: Don’t Watch the Evening News

#162: Stop All that Moving Around

#163: Hold the Moo Goo Gai Pan

Old Food/Young Food: 18 Culinary Comparisons

#164: Shave the Soul Patch

12 Things You Can’t Even Think about Wearing (for Men)

#165: Stop Hoping Lauren Conrad Will Just Go Away

12 Other People and Things That Won’t Disappear Anytime Soon (No Matter How Much You Wish They Would)

#166: Don’t Be a Chicken

8 Fear-conquering Ideas

#167: Step Away from the Giant Pumpkin

#168: Autumn Is So Not Your Favourite Season

8 Other Favourites You May Want to Rethink

#169: Get Rid of the Harley

14 Things that Used to Be Young but Are Now Old

17 Things that Used to Be Old but Are Now Young

#170: No, that Was Not Mary-Kate Olsen You Saw on the Number 66 Bus

#171: Don’t Have Black Friends, Gay Friends, Guy Friends, Jewish Friends, or Young Friends

#172: Don’t Wear Pyjamas

#173: Gotta Love those Entourage Boys

#174: No Bras the Size of Scotland

#175: Neutralize Your Crazy Old Sperm

#176: Don’t Fear the Birthday

MadLibs: How to Celebrate Your Birthday Right

#177: Stifle the Rants

#178: Don’t Go Hatin’ on Christmas

Chocolate-chip Meringue Cookies

#179: Don’t Post Yourself on Youporn

#180: Don’t Try to Be as Thin as Twiggy

#181: Don’t Drive Too Fast … or Too Slow

#182: Don’t Talk to Strangers

#183: No Arcade Fire or Porkpie Hats

8 Items of Hipster Gear You Can Get Away With

8 Items of Hipster Gear You Can’t

#184: Don’t Walk Small

#185: Don’t Die. Or Even Consider the Possibility of Dying

7 Cool Ways to Die (If You Must)

7 Uncool Ways to Die

Footnotes

Keep Reading

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Other Books By

About the Publisher