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Title Page
Copyright
Sarah’s Notes
Dedication
1. Did I Just Get Called to the Principal’s Office?
2. Position Open, Hipsters Need Not Apply
3. I Will Use Your Name As A Punishment
4. There’s Nowhere to Sit in West Hollywood
5. I Just Want to Date Myself
6. If You Do This, I’ll Buy You A Pony
7. Yes, I Drive to Spin Class
8. My Date Looks Like a Lesbian
9. You’re Sleeping on My Wedding Dress
10. Be Sure To Keep Your Promises, You Hippie Bitches
11. If Only I Wasn’t A Woman, I Could Be A Centaur
12. Everyone in Las Vegas Is Brain-Dead
13. I Fucking Love My City
14. Ninjas Don’t Have Hair Extensions
15. Why Won’t You Love Me, David Tennant?
16. My Spiritual Guide Can’t Make Shit
17. You Can Thank Wine For Why I Haven’t Killed You
18. I Might Have to Kiss All the Frogs
19. Washing Your Hands Will Kill You
20. Your Driving Gave Me a Heart Attack
21. Life in Real Clothes is Hard
22. We Spank Those Who Don’t Pay Attention
23. Fireproof Dreams
Acknowledgments
Books By Sarah Noffke
Connect with Sarah Noffke
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