Emergency电子书

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Epigraph

Contents

Prologue

Part One: Orientation

A Brief Confession

Part Two: Five Steps

Step 1: December 31, 1999

Lesson 1: Birthday Clowns To Avoid

Lesson 2: Tips On Death Cult Etiquette

Lesson 3: The Use of Philosophy as an Excuse to Cancel Plans

Lesson 4: A Beginner’s Guide to Evil in the Twentieth Century

Lesson 5: The Magic of Life: Now You See it, Now You Don’t

Step 2: September 22, 2000

Lesson 6: Why They Hate Us But Like Our Movies

Step 3: ********* **, ****

Lesson 7: The World’s Oldest Survival Manual

Lesson 8: The Problem With Gas Masks

Lesson 9: Effects of Schoolteachers on Psychosexual Development

Step 4: November 3, 2004

Lesson 10: Calculate Your Safety If X = Terrorists, Y = Distance, and Z = How much You’ve Pissed them Off

Lesson 11: Pop Quiz: Raise Your Hand If You Didn’t Vote

Step 5: August 29, 2005

Lesson 12: Mental Health Guidelines For Air Travelers

Lesson 13: Homework: Find the Last Straw

Part Three: Escape

Lesson 14: How to Become Immortal in One Easy Step

Lesson 15: An Argument For Getting into Cars With Strangers

Lesson 16: Birth Control Tips From Billionaires

Lesson 17: The Britney Spears School of Pregnant Surfing

Lesson 18: Raising the Dead With Government Paperwork

Lesson 19: How to Protect Yourself From Inflation, Hackers, and Celine Dion

Lesson 20: Five Steps to a Tax- Free Life

Lesson 21: Why Knocking up a Brazilian Woman Can Save Your Life

Lesson 22: The Gone wth the Wind Guide to Asset Protection

Lesson 23: Where to Find the Happiest Room on Earth

Lesson 24: How to Alienate Your Family in Sixty Seconds or Less

Lesson 25: Proof that a Fool and his Money are Soon Parted

Lesson 26: The Art of Disappearing

Lesson 27: War, Genocide, and Other Real-Estate Scams

Lesson 28: Calculate the Odds that You’Re in Jail Right Now

Lesson 29: Why the Government Frowns on Smiling

Lesson 30: Homework: Find a Stranger You Trust

Part Four: Survive

Lesson 31: Safety Guidelines for the Use of Horses, Guitars, and Towels

Lesson 32: Life Advice from the World’s Friendliest Nazi

Lesson 33: Introducing the Urban Survival Kit

Lesson 34: Just Say no to Cheerleading

Lesson 35: A Philosophy of the Sphincter

Lesson 36: Family-Proof Ammunition and Other Tips For Home Shooting

Lesson 37: Why You Should Think of the Zoo as a Restaurant

Lesson 38: Motorbikes of the Apocalypse

Lesson 39: Bathroom Tips for Combat Soldiers

Lesson 40: Never Drink from the Bowl

Lesson 41: Protecting yourself from Snipers, Dirty Bombs, and Salad Bars

Lesson 42: The Glass of Water Worth its Weight in Gold

Lesson 43: How To Make a Man Tell You Anything

Lesson 44: Books that Kill

Lesson 45: Camping for Dummies

Lesson 46: Where Blackberrys Go to Die

Lesson 47: How to be 90 Percent Certain You’ll Escape Cannibals

Lesson 48: Activities for Irritating your Girlfriend

Lesson 49: A Ninja’s Guide to Bringing Weapons on Airplanes

Lesson 50: The Downside of the Circle of Life

Lesson 51: A Workout Plan for the End of the World

Lesson 52: How a can of Beer Will Keep You Warm

Lesson 53: Survival Uses for Music Critics

Lesson 54: Secrets of Escaped Felons

Lesson 55: A Cross-Dresser’s Guide to Combat

Lesson 56: Exam #1: Shelter in Place

Lesson 57: Exam #2: Bug Out

Part Five: Rescue

Lesson 58: The President’s Plan to Save You

Lesson 59: Iceland is the New Caribbean

Lesson 60: What About Love?

Lesson 61: The Odds of Dying Horribly

Lesson 62: Proper Care and Handling of Hawaiian Tropic Girls

Lesson 63: Murder Scene Manners

Lesson 64: How to Listen to the Earth’s Crust

Lesson 65: Where to Swim Across the Border

Lesson 66: Secrets for Civilizing Lone Wolves

Lesson 67: How to Tell Which Side God is on

Lesson 68: Things to do When you’re a Dual Citizen

Lesson 69: What to do When the Lights go Out

Epilogue

Extra Credit

Bonus Content

Disaster Survival Cheat Sheet

The Bug-Out Bag

Ten Emergency-Preparedness Myths That Can Kill You

The Lost Chapter?

The Lost Chapter

About the Author

Books by Neil Strauss

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher