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Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Contents
INTRODUCTION
PART I:: PLAYERS
PLEASE, GOD, NO, NOT ANOTHER ESSAY ABOUT STEROIDS
WHY GILBERT ARENAS MATTERS MORE THAN LEBRON JAMES
YOU’rE MORE INTERESTING THAN AN ATHLETE. REALLY!
BEN ROETHLISBERGER DRINKS LIKE A CHAMPION
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW YOU’rE NOT GAY? YOU’rE AN ATHLETE
THE BALLAD OF LUCIOUS PUSEY
MY UNHEALTHY MAN CRUSH ON RICK ANKIEL
THE SAD SAGA OF THE RETIRED ATHLETE
A FEW MOMENTS WITH JOHN ROCKER
GLOSSARY
PART II:: OWNERS
AN ASSHOLE IN A SUIT IS WORTH TWO WEARING PADS
COORS LIGHT THINKS YOU’rE A MONSTER
IT’s AMERICAN TO ROOT AGAINST THE U.S.A.
WHY THE NFL GETS AWAY WITH EVERYTHING
PETER ANGELOS KILLS KITTENS AND IS TRYING TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOTHER
TAKE OUT THE SECOND MORTGAGE: WE’rE OFF TO YANKEE STADIUM!
APPENDIX: THE FIVE WORST OWNERS IN SPORTS
CARL MONDAY IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE
GLOSSARY
PART III:: MEDIA
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS PENISES IN HIS FACE DOESN’t MEAN YOU SHOULD WANT HIS JOB
YOU’rE WITH ME, LEATHER
TEN EXAMPLES OF HOW ESPN IS RUINING SPORTS
THE ESPN CLOCKWORK ORANGE EXPERIMENT
BEWARE THOSE WHO COME BEARING THE TAG “EXPERTS”
DISPATCH FROM A. J. DAULERIO: THE SUPER BOWL IS DECADENT AND DEPRAVED
YOU CAN’t FIGHT TERRORISM WITH A SPREAD OFFENSIVE SET, AND YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’t EVEN TRY
PETER KING WANTS YOU TO SEE PICTURES OF HIS DRUNKEN DAUGHTER
TEN MOST LOATHSOME ESPN PERSONALITIES AND THEIR WORST MOMENTS
FIVE PEOPLE WHO OFFENDED THE ALMIGHTY ESPN AND PAID THE PRICE
GLOSSARY
PART IV:: FANS
WILLIE MCGEE: MY SISTER’s FIRST BLACK MAN
WHY I CHEER FOR THE BUZZSAW THAT IS THE ARIZONA CARDINALS
BUY A JERSEY OF YOUR FAVORITE ROBOTIC STAT PRODUCER
WHAT ATHLETES ARE TALKING ABOUT WHEN THEY’rE TALKING ABOUT GOD
FANTANKING IS BAD FOR THE HEART
RULES FOR FANS: HOW NOT TO BE A JERK AT A BASEBALL GAME
WHY A CRAPPY FLATIRON YUPPIE BAR IS NOW THE CLOSEST THING I HAVE TO A HOME
BARBARO: THE HORSE THAT CURED CANCER
GLOSSARY
THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU YET
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
About the Author
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
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