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Dedication
Contents
Preface
Introduction: What, Exactly, Is a Self-Inflicted Wound?
Prologue: Why Am I Doing This? Why?
(1) The Time I Cut Myself in Half
(2) The Time I Almost Set Myself on Fire
(3) The Time I Was a Human Maypole
(4) The Time I Got Boobs Way Before Everyone Else
(5) The Time I Foolishly Tried to Trade Vegetables for Meat
(6) The Time I Almost Seared My Flesh to My Dad’s Motorcycle
(7) The Time I Peed on Myself and My Surroundings
(8) The Time I Asked a Boy on a Wildly Inappropriate Date
(9) The Bunny Fiasco
(10) The Time I Desperately Wanted to Get My Period
(11) The Time I Actually Got My Period
(12) The Time I Snuck Out of My Home in the Night Like a CBS After-School Special
(13) The Time I Got Drunk the Night Before Taking the SAT
(14) The Time I Puked All Over the Car of a Boy I Liked in Broad Daylight
(15) The Hot Wasabi and the Infinite Sadness
(16) The Time I Was in an A Cappella Group
(17) The Time I Danced Tragically in Front of My Entire College
(18) The Time I Created My First Sketch Character
(19) The Time I Killed a Hobo
(20) The First Time I Did Standup
(21) The Tenth Time I Did Standup
(22) The Hundredth Time I Did Standup
(23) The Time My Worst Standup Nightmare Came True
(24) The Time I Wore That Awful See-Through Dress
(25) And Had That Awful Two-Toned Hair
(26) All the Times I Did Those Terrible Corporate Standup Gigs
(27) The Day the Comedy Died
(28) The Times I Spit on Someone from the Stage While Doing Standup
(29) The Time I Broke My Arm at Sundance, and the Ensuing Meltdown
(30) The Time I Broke My Foot, Alone, in a Hotel Room
(31) The Time I Fell Asleep on the Patio Furniture at a Birthday Party
(32) The Time I Vowed to Stop Drunk Tweeting
(33) The Apologia; or, Shut Up Aisha—a Far From Comprehensive List of My Verbal Gaffes
The Coda: Stop Doing It to Yourself
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Aisha Tyler
Praise for Self-Inflicted Wounds
Copyright
About the Publisher
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